My heart is heavy. No other way to put it. I have seen the destruction that people can cause in the name of Christ. I have seen the result of manipulation and dishonesty. I have seen the result of too much control. I have seen the result of selfish motives. I have seen wolves in sheep's clothing. I have seen what seems like a good and spiritual and Godly thing result in heartbreak, anger, sadness, and hopelessness. I have seen a close family begin to be torn apart because of all of this. It makes me sick.
I found myself thinking about the state of things last night...both as a whole and the specific instance that I just mentioned...I found myself weeping. I haven't cried like that in a long time. The weight is too much to bear. And then when I got home, I lay down in bed next to my sleeping wife, and the tears flowed again. And then this morning in the car...again...and even as I type now, I can feel my throat swell and my eyes water. It wasn't supposed to be like this. There wasn't supposed to be pain and sickness and sorrow. There wasn't supposed to be ulterior motives and manipulation. There wasn't supposed to be suffering and hatred and inconsideration. It...was...not...meant...to...be...this...way.
And yet it is. What seemed like an innocent bite of fruit turned into this...mess. What seemed like an innocent comment turned into this hell. What seemed like an innocent action turned into this turmoil. Why, Eve, did you have to pick that fruit? Why did you have to be selfish? Why did you have to bring hell to this beautiful creation? It wasn't meant to be this way.
And yet it is. Day in and day out we continue to pick the fruit off of the tree and bite. And it tastes so sweet for a moment but turns sour when we chew and swallow. It is great to be applauded, it is great to be recognized...but fame and recognition are fleeting...and what is left? Prideful arrogance that screams, “I am God.” It wasn't meant to be this way.
And yet it is. Families are torn apart. Husbands try to start over. Wives get buried in the day-to-day routines of making ends meet. Children stay busy to keep their minds off of it. Friendships are burned to the ground. Eyes stay wide open into the wee hours of the night, staring at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. How did we get here? Where did we go wrong? It wasn't mean to be this way.
And yet it is. And even though I'm removed from the situation, I can feel the weight on my back. And it's slowing me down. It's making my breath short and my eyes bloodshot. It's making my head hurt. It's making my heart race. It's making me press on...because even though all hope seems to be lost...and it seems like I'm running out of steam...and it seems like it would be easier to give up and walk away, I can't. There is still a glimmer of hope for me...and I can see that same glimmer in others. It wasn't meant to be this way, and yet it is. But it won't be for long.